Embrace Awkwardness

I have had an ongoing thought lately. When I say "lately," I really mean about two years. This theory proves to be true in many circumstances. I believe that people simply don't know how to stay in the moment with another person, navigate the awkwardness and silence, and just BE; thus, we as a society have created cliched sayings to fill the air, and people readily dispense advice because secretly, they want you to act as they act--also, to stop being awkward and making them feel as such too. 



I love being in a counseling program that helps me to understand myself, triggers, discomforts, and relational coping systems. I've learned invaluable truths through a secular program that resonate with my faith and vice versa. I'm taking "Grief, Trauma, and Crisis," and it's probably one of the most difficult yet satisfying classes I've taken since I started. We explore how crisis can lead to trauma and how grief can be managed and cared for in the immediate and long-term. This is important to me because I wish to work in this area of counseling. Back to my theory, though. I am appealing to Christians because I am one. I am appealing to believers to stop giving others advice as if it's oxygen. Also, stop with the cliched statements. It has been my experience that we as a society simply do not know what to do with silence and being still, with genuinely hearing someone and their struggles. Before a sentence is complete, advice is given, encouragement pours onto the floor, and words of wisdom suffocate the air! And often! All of this is done at such a breakneck speed, that we didn't even process what the other person was going through, didn't even hear what they were saying through empathizing. Nothing. We, along with everyone, need to examine how uncomfortable we are with silence and NOT having all of the answers. We, along with everyone, need to acknowledge the fact that we secretly wish for others to be made in our image, behaving and thinking as we do. In Reality couples counseling, spouses are directed to stop giving each other advice. Stop telling the other person to do something in a way that you would. Advice and empty words often add little to the relationship. In reality, these words can often serve as a barrier in the future. 

We as a culture don't know how to just BE. Take this scripture for example. This account in the book of Job is an awesome testimony. Job was tested by God, and even his wife didn't have his back. So his three friends roll up!


¹¹ When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. ¹² When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. ¹³ Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar powerfully demonstrated true concern and empathy for Job. What they did, in fact, was not too far apart from the grief rituals of their culture. Their culture acknowledged the truth that words need not be spoken at every opportunity. A physical presence means so much more than words. These three vicariously felt Job's pain and attempted to help carry the burden. These three often get a bad rap because of their questioning later in the book. Whatever. No one is perfect, and in this moment....they offered Job the best of what they had. I believe that. For the rest of the book they debate back and forth with Job about the nature/cause of his suffering.

So in this example, Job's friends are there physically with him, and we can infer that they are invested in their relationship with him deeply. I mean...they came from all over, tore their clothes, wept, sat for days, and stayed with him during the period after all of this. These guys are road dawgs!

Dr. Glasser, founder of Reality Therapy, states that "Well-meaning advice always fails--patients can't straighten up and fly right when someone points out reality to them when there is not sufficient involvement."


TRUTH

We want to so readily solve a problem for others. We want to so readily have words of wisdom for others. We want to so readily be able to dispense advice handed down from heaven above. What we really need to do is examine why we feel this need to have all of the answers--examine pride and appearance, status and the concern of what others may think of us. Just BE. Better yet! Be involved in the lives of other people in a deeper fashion so that when the words do come, they can have meaning. We are such a plastic, instantaneous society. We unfortunately get advice faster than we get our food! We have conversations with people and before a thought is completed, advice is given, and the person is on to the next. Basically the person is saying, "If I were you, I'd behave/think in this way..." And we often mean well...sometimes. But when we don't get into other people's lives (like Job's friends), the words we so eagerly and carelessly throw to others can harm that person as they are going through something much more difficult than a few words said in passing on Sunday could help.


"I give because it makes me feel better." 
"I spoke because it makes me feel better knowing that I tried to encourage her/him." 
Kinda selfish when scrutinized. 



There is a place for advice and words of wisdom. To boost your ego, fill the silence, make yourself feel good, to show off in front of others as having all of the answers....are all piss poor reasons to "help" someone. We all must examine why we do what we do. If we say we love, then love genuinely, deeply, and intimately. We as the church can have an awesome testimony to the world if we cared less about having the right answers, and more about just BEING with those in need and suffering. Being with them in a way that is deep and profound. Stop with the drive-by "love." Roll up your sleeves and do the hard work of being there.